So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
