what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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