I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
