you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The ass gains better be worth it
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