I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Panties = found
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