I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
