YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
