Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
