I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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