you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
