i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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