Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
