I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
