I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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