i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
