people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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