I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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