my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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