Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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