i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
