just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
