Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
