i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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