Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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