True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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