The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think i got beer on your cat.
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