they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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