Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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