You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
