TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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