Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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