what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
