Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
