just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My ATM looks so different sober.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The Olympian is in my bed
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
