: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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