i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
