i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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