He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
