we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
