Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
