What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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