I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
