Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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