Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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