Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
