Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
