So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
