dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
