This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
