wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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