capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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