shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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