I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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